Food & Drink Personal

Popcorn, Pineapple & Devon, Oh My!

Popcorn, Pineapple & Devon, Oh My! - Popcorn

Honestly, I don’t even realise how picky with food I am until I’m not at home.

Let’s just say, I like what I like, and I have very valid reasons for no liking the things I dislike. Yep, you’re about to hear about all that.

Popcorn

Yeah yeah, I know. I’m kicked out of the human race and all… but honestly, it’s not even the popcorn its self that’s the problem. My problem with it is that the stuff that comes from packets is unbearably bland and leaves a dusty aftertaste. An aftertaste to which the concept of people actually enjoying has always alluded me. Then again, a lot of people don’t seem to like coffee because of the after taste, but I figure that coffee is worth its aftermath, as all great things have to be. Popcorn to me is not one of those things.

Actually, I’m using popcorn as a broader term, I’ve actually had home-grown popcorn, and I don’t mind that, but it’s still not as great as people make it out to be. Really, a lot of things I ‘don’t like’ are actually more just ‘things that everyone seems to like a lot better than me’.

Pineapple

We’ve all heard the whole “Pineapple does/doesn’t belong on pizza.” argument. I mean, who cares about race, religion, gender or social class when we can divide and categorise people into aliens and those who deserve to live on this planet? I’m not really going to address that issue because I’m sure we’ve all heard the usual argument. Pizza isn’t supposed to be sweet. Pineapples are tropical fruits, and Italy isn’t tropical. It’s none of my business, be a walking disgust to humanity if you wish, just don’t bring your Hawaiian pizza near me or tell me I’m wrong. You’re wrong. You’re wrong about the pizza, and you’re wrong about every other decision you’ve ever made in your life.

This isn’t about the pizza, this is about the pineapple. I don’t actually mind the taste. Actually, I’d quite happily drink pineapple juice or pineapple flavoured things. It’s just the texture. I’m sorry, but how does anyone eat pineapple without automatically thinking about the fact that it feels like a sweet, juicy doughnut made of the hair you get from the drain in the shower. Then arranged into a structured piece of cow patty that you make spiky on the outside to protect it from all the potential theft of garbage fruit. I mean, things that are aggressively spiky on the outside aren’t supposed to be eaten right? Right???

Devon

Does anyone actually know what Devon is? It’s got all these weird sketchy names (like Devon, Polony, Straus, Fritz, Bung, Luncheon Meat, German Sausage, Berliner…), we don’t even know what it’s called let alone what’s in the stuff. On top of that, the only acceptable way to eat it is to drench it in tomato sauce. Now, imagine getting all the left over stuff from the butchery floor, squishing it together, chopping it into slices and then grabbing your handy bottle of rotten tomatoes and sugar (tomato sauce) and plopping it on top, just to finish things off. Wow, look, I hope I’m just ruining all these foods for you, but I preach the truth, my friends.

Corn

I honestly have no reason for this one. It’s just wrong. It’s sort of musky and too sweet to be a vegetable (and it’s sort of not a vegetable anyway) Ed: (It is actually a Fruit, Vegetable and a Grain, see here.), and its yellow, and just seems really seedy (Ba dum tss!). On top of that, your body legit doesn’t even digest the stuff. There is no reason to eat corn unless you really like the taste, or if you feel like you need to eat a vegetable and you have no money or purpose in life. They feed corn to birds, it’s the food they get after their mummy’s stop throwing up in their mouths. Why are you eating corn? I’ll say it again for the people in the back, WHY ARE YOU EATING CORN?

Cruskits

If you don’t know what Cruskits are, they’re a kind of rectangular rice cracker type thing made up of Rice Flour, Salt, Milk Powder, and Baking Powder. I’m 99% sure that ‘cruskit’ is just a blend of the words ‘crusty’ and ‘biscuit’, and I couldn’t describe it better myself, unless they somehow fit the words ‘stale, tasteless excuse for a flattened recycled piece of cardboard hell from the makers of Sayos and the mighty ‘Tim Tam’ in there too. Tim Tams are the best thing produced by Australia, discluding Heath Ledger, and how does Arnotts follow that up? With this.

Cruskits
Cruskits

Strawberries

Okay this one isn’t really a dislike as such. Like I said, I always just thought that these were one of those things that were way overrated. I don’t get the big hype with them. They are kind of tingly and sour on my tongue, so I guess I just get really frustrated with everyone thinking they were sweet and nice and I just thought that I always got the wrong strawberries out of bad luck. Then one day I was just kicking back scrolling the interwebs and there was this post that basically talked about the same thing but this kid had it with bananas. They figured out he was allergic to bananas… and I mean, it would really suck to be allergic to something that you really like. So I’m sort of good with it even if I take my medical advice from Facebook.

Honey (or anything messy)

Okay, honey is not the point here. The fact is that I love so many types of food’s that I still reject because they’re messy. The worst thing is that they’re always the really good stuff which isn’t at all overrated but loved by millions. For some reason, the possibility of getting honey or mango juice on me is just completely taking them off the table for me. It’s like it’s not even there like it’s dead to me. It’s funny though because gravy is meat, meaning it’s probably got some sort of actual dead thing in it, and it can do no wrong no matter how many white tops it’s ruined.

I’m sure there are stacks of things I don’t particularly like, (plain baked potato, most soft drinks, anything that is supposed to have a flavour and for some reason doesn’t taste like Mum’s) but it’s cool guys.

“The End,”
– Tyneesha

Rating: 5.0/5. From 4 votes.
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