I had an idea a while back which has recently come back into my attention on account of the weather being relentlessly rude and hot. Here we are, sitting around sweating
like a whore in church our butts off, and my dad still manages to drink a cup of coffee about 20 times a day, and I’m thinking… Why not make iced coffee?
So here’s the problem, if you have an iced coffee in your hand, there are two ways it got there:
- It’s a Dare iced coffee or something like that. A pre-made “coffee-flavored” milk that they pass off as real quality caffeine. If they just made chocolate milk, then they’d have to recognise that you could scoop up some sugar in a cup, add a little bit of milk to top it off and stir it and you’d have the same value for less effort. Or a frappé, but I won’t trash talk frappé’s because they’re frappé’s and don’t claim to be real coffee.
- Someone smart decided to put some water in an ice tray and put it in the freezer, put that ice in a coffee mug, and poured some mediocre coffee with wasted potential and a dark future on top.
So, after much media speculation and an uprising of public concern (not really, no one cares)… I HAVE THE ANSWER.
The ice tray was supposedly invented by this dude named Doctor John Gorrie, who in 1844 built a refrigerator to make ice to cool the air for his yellow fever patients, who were reported to have been receiving iced drinks. All those patients are dead. You know why? Because they didn’t know how to use the ice cube tray properly. Also because they got old, but that’s boring.
The first mistake they made was putting water in them to make ice. No, it is hot, and you have taste buds (but no real buds, because all the people you know are distasteful). If you are hot right now it is because you live in the southern hemisphere, or your parents were just lucky to have given you attractive genes or jeans, or you have that fever that Doc Gorrie was trying to cure with his boring water cubes. You are a survivor, and the first rule of survival is this:
Make a coffee. Leave out the milk. Pour it into an ice tray but, DON’T BURN YOURSELF, we are trying to cure your hotness, that would be inconsiderate. Put the ice tray in the freezer and chill for a couple of hours.
After those couple of hours, take the milk out the fridge, and put it in the microwave, or just use the bottle you left on the bench to boil in this heat. Then, when the microwave is about to beep, get those coffee ice cubes and put them in your cup or coffee mug. Hopefully, (because I haven’t tried it), the hot milk will melt the coffee ice cubes then the ice cubes will cool the milk and BAM your life is better.
“Pretend I folded this up and handed it to you under the desk,”