Was that Game of Thrones, or some kind of messed up rom-com? (looking at you Cersei and Jaime)
Y’all know the drill, character by character.
Khaleesi, Jon, and Tyrion:
This gem of an episode starts with the long awaited arrival of Jonny to Dragonstone (it’s been a week in real time but still, ‘long awaited’). Jon is met by Melisande and Tyrion. I wasn’t too happy about Dany’s no show, seemed a bit cocky and rude honestly, and they took everyone’s weapons and boats. Have a hissy fit, Jon.
Actually, it’s the attitude she maintains for the rest of the episode. Dwarf boy and Jonny had some banter, and then Tyrion was like “Oh yeah, BTW I didn’t get with ya sister that time”, and Jon was like, “legit don’t even care bro, cool story, needs more dragons” AND THEN BAM! DRAGONS!
Until now, Khaleesi has been able to meet some people, and get whatever she wants pretty easily with her scary dragons and her silver hair… but you know who else is scary and silver?! JONS BOY THE NIGHT KING! Jon walks in, and Melisande rattles off the intro, “You are in the presence of *insert a three-minute list of Dany’s titles*”, to which sweet old Davos replies, “This is Jon Snow… (extra long comedic pause)… he’s King of the North?”
This girl needs to blink and have a drink. Let me just pick everything that was wrong with that argument sweetie…
- Even Tyrion was like, “Was that intro really necessary?”
- Tyrion continues to babysit these two.
- Dany says “I’m sorry for my dad and all the stuff in the past, but this is now, and we can make it better, I’m not my Daddio.” Then goes on to bring up all their family history together, in an accusatory tone to Jon.
- Jon is there for a legit 5 seconds, and he’s already just thinking, “Oh this girl is just too much, take a chill pill.” Which is fair because she’s being sadistic and just plain rude.
- After Jon politely declined to bend the knee… (did you see her face…) are you sure she’s not actually crazy like Daddio?
- Dany acts like an actual full on brat, tattling to Tyrion after Jon calls her out on her contradictions.
- “I am the last Targaryen”, UM NO HONEY DONT ACT LIKE LITTLE MISS KNOW IT ALL, JUST FOR YOUR INFO, ALL THREE OF THE REMAINING TARGARYIANS ARE IN THE ROOM. Sit down, honey.
- Oh okay, so the daughter of the mad man is just gonna accuse Jon of being a nutcase. (Sweetheart you’re threatening him with dragons.)
- Then she gets up.
- Guilt trip much? STOP WHINING! We get it, you friggin love yourself. Everyone loves you okay, this guy just doesn’t.
- Davos, shhh… you make a point, he can speak for himself if she would stop interrupting him.
- Cranky Jonny “I don’t know you girl, your claim to the throne is ’cause of your father’s name.” MY POINT EXACTLY.
- Dany just spits those smart ass remarks and threats until the end.
- “Not yet.” GIRL SHUTUP. HE FOUGHT THE WHITE WALKERS, FAIR POINT THEY’RE NOT AS FIREY AS YOU ARE, BUT HE’S COOL.
- Why couldn’t Jon just drop his pride and bend the knee really? This scene is the biggest rep of feminism vs. masculinsm since Donald vs. Hillary.
- Somewhere afterwards Varys and Melisande have a pointless convo, and she’s like “We are both gonna die in this country.” Yeah okay sis, same here, moving on.
Dany then tells a joke, picking on the dwarf because he quotes himself (happy to see you lighten up boo).
And Jorah’s on his way girl, so feel free to save him the last rose.
Sansa and Bran:
Okay, Sansa is doing what she’s made for (as opposed to what Dany was born into), THAT’S RIGHT BIG GIRL IS LEADING!
10,000 points for how Sansa dealt with Littlefinger. “The woman who murdered my mother, father, and brother is dangerous? Thank you for your wise counsel.”
Without warning, he launches into the most useless speech I have ever heard in my life, telling Sansa, “Fight every battle, everywhere, always in your mind. Everyone is your enemy. Everyone is your friend. Every possible series of events is happening all at once.” How is it that winter is here and yet no one can seem to just chill??
Minus 2 points for the way Bran talks to her after he gets back… “It was so beautiful that night,” he informs her, “Snow falling, just like now. And you were so beautiful, in your white wedding dress.” Are you trying to traumatise your sis more? Boy, I know you can’t walk but JUST LEAVE.
Lanisters, Greyjoys and the Sands:
Eeuron marches Yara, Ellaria, and Tyene through Kings Landing (acting like his Casanova) to get spat at and all that jazz… and then struts up to Cersei with all the random civilians (who should be dead BTW) like “Yeah girl here’s your pressie…”. He then informs the stunned Queen “there is only one reward”, that would make him happy… then throws some shade at Jaime.
Anyway, Cersei is in the dungeon, wearing some especially ugly pink lippy which ends up killing Ellaria’s daughter really slow, and makes her watch her daughter rot. Real smooth Cersei, real smooth. We got the classic Cersei monologue… jumping from, “You took her away from me” to “watch her rot.”.
Okay but also how does the poison even work? Cersei had it on her lips for ages, and she wiped it off and downed the antidote… but what happens with the other one? How would she even ingest it? Does she have to? Or maybe just wipe it off? What??? Answers are needed.
Then she walks out, ready to do her brother… girl you just killed a teenager, but I don’t judge…
She tells Tycho, the banker, that Dany’s a “revolutionary” (I’m developing a theory wherein Dany is a representative of communism).
I mean think about it… Dany frees the working and peasant classes, acts as more of a guiding figure rather than a definitive leader… she doesn’t seem to care about money too much? She’s a bit of an emotional, pretty, hippy, with a small evil side, decided on world domination honestly.
The Lanisters (capitalism) are greedy, money orientated, always pay their taxes and have control of the largest kingdom in the show while brushing off the illegitimacy of Khaleesi’s claim after taking down her dad because they were scared of the communist forces.
I mean think about it… the ‘red’ keep? Oh also the hand of the king badge looks a little like this;
Coincidence? I think not.
Anyway, Casterly Rock has just been taken over by Dany’s army ’cause you were too busy getting the gold from the Tyrell’s.
OH, AND JAIME KILLS GRANDMA TYRELL! And she was like, “Oh yeah, thanks for being nice, btw I killed your son. Boy, bye.”
“Shame! Shame! Shame!,”
Series Index - Game of Thrones Season 7
- 1 - Game of Thrones – Intro – Hopes, Dreams and Heartbreak
- 2 - Game of Thrones – S07E01 – Dragonstone
- 3 - Game of Thrones – S07E02 – Stormborn
- 4 - Game of Thrones – S07E03 – The Queen’s Justice
- 5 - Game of Thrones – S07E04 – The Spoils of War
- 6 - Game of Thrones – S07E05 – Eastwatch
- 7 - Game of Thrones – S07E06 – Beyond the Wall
- 8 - Game of Thrones – S07E07 – The Dragon and the Wolf